the transvestite hookers in the KFC parking lot

My closest friend used to work as a physical therapist at a local treatment facility.  He’s since moved on to work as head athletic trainer and assistant coach at a private high school.  Although the stories he tells from his job with the high school are usually pretty good, they can’t compare to one he told me from back when he was working at the physical therapy center.

A guy came in for treatment as he was trying to recuperate from a gunshot wound to one of his legs.  My buddy asked him, “How did you get end up getting shot?”, and the guy told him this story:

It seems he picked up a prostitute at the local KFC parking lot, of all places.  So, after he picked up the hooker, they drove to somewhere secluded and started to get things warmed up, so to speak.  The guy reached over to run his hand up the hooker’s leg, and was stunned to encounter….dude equipment as he progressed along the way.

So he goes ballistic, starts yelling, telling the transvestite to give him the money back and get out of the car.  The hooker refuses, and the argument turns physical.  As it continues to escalate, the hooker ends up shooting the guy in the leg, taking the loot, and running off.

He actually told my friend this story.  Not, “I was cleaning my gun and the damned thing went off” or any of a million other things I could think of that I would rather admit to before telling a complete stranger that I unknowingly picked up a transvestite prostitute outside a KFC and ended up getting shot in the process.  I told my buddy, “I don’t know what’s funnier, the story itself or the fact that he came in there and admitted it to you like that instead of saying it was a shooting range accident.  But I have to say, I can’t believe that in a small town that doesn’t even have a Target or a Starbucks, we’ve got transvestite hookers doing business in the KFC parking lot.”

Good stuff.

The Yankees won an ugly train wreck (is there ever a beautiful train wreck?) of a game last night against Boston 15-9.  The Boston pitchers tried to gift wrap an easy win for Chien-Ming Wang early on in the game, but Wang apparently decided to exchange the gift for store credit, because he was truly awful after getting the big lead.  He uncharacteristically had bad problems finding the strike zone.  I’m sure he won’t have too many starts like this, the guy’s a damn good pitcher, but it was brutal.  Thankfully the Yankees offense showed up with bigger whoopass sticks than the Red Sox did.  Jason Giambi got a garbage time RBI single off the only remaining pitcher in the world who can’t get him out, Mike Timlin.  Girardi seems to have a bizarre attachment to Jason Giambi, because he sure doesn’t deserve all the playing time he’s getting.  I hope Girardi isn’t going to be one of those managers who sticks with a veteran way too long just because of some false notion that just being a veteran makes his presence worthwhile.  They could call up any AA first baseman to play lead-footed defense and only hit against Mike Timlin.  I still think they should try Hideki Matsui at first, but what do I know?  Alex Rodriguez went deep to break his tie with Willie McCovey and Ted Williams on the all-time HR list, and of course all the dopes in the sports media are talking about the irony of him passing Williams in a game against Boston.  It’s not really that big of a coincidence since the unbalanced schedule means the Yankees and Red Sox play each other a ton.  Derek Jeter played a solid game and had a big RBI single, but still looks like he might not be able to run at full speed again just yet.

So today’s main target of my espn-hating wrath will be pretty boy oxygen waster Mike Greenberg.  All espn talking heads overdo it with the hand gestures, but Greenberg constantly flails his hands about as if being attacked by a swarm of invisible bees.  He wrote a book called “Why My Wife Thinks I’m an Idiot”.  Hey, I think he’s an idiot too!  Give me a book deal!

I actually like his co-host on the morning espn radio show, Mike Golic.  I often find myself wishing Golic would stick his meaty fist right in the center of Greenberg’s chemical peel and night cream loving mug.  Or for Buster Olney, another of the small crew of espn on-air people I have any use for whatsoever, to hop up and throw his chair at Greenberg while screaming, “I deserve better than this, I went to Vanderbilt, dammit!!!” 

For any hardcore baseball fans looking for a good book to read, check out “The Prince of New York’s 2008 Baseball Guide” by Paul Lebowitz.  It’s a little pricey ($20.95 cover price) for it’s size, but it’s an entertaining read with detailed sections on each of the MLB teams.  I disagree with some of his opinions, but that’s one of the things that make being a sports fan fun, our different interpretations of the same thing.  I like the fact that he doesn’t flinch when it comes to criticizing stupid decisions of front offices.  A lot of writers are scared to death of criticizing front offices for fear that one day they might need a precious quote from said front office and be turned down because of past criticisms.  Anyway, check it out, it’s a good baseball book.

The Rangers beat the Devils last night to extend their series lead to 3 games to 1.  Me and Chris, my aforementioned athletic trainer friend, were talking about how stupid it is for all the hockey talking heads to keep painting this as some huge upset.  It’s a four seed against a five seed, and there’s hardly ever much difference in any sports playoffs between four and five seeds.  Besides, the Devils were terrible against both New York hockey teams this past regular season.  It’s not a big surprise that this trend has carried over to the playoffs.

I’ve been dragging ass today.  My wife told me to stop drinking so many Red Bulls, and yesterday I had none.  I have to figure out how many of those things will give me some extra energy through the daytime without keeping me up late or making my chest feel like it’s barely keeping my heart in place.  I need a chart that says “if you weigh this much and feel this way at this time, drink this much Red Bull.”  I figure two a day might be the right number.

Can you believe people are still talking about the Red Sox jersey being buried underneath the new Yankee Stadium?  For those of you who don’t really follow sports closely, a construction worker helping pour the foundation for the new Yankee Stadium stuffed a Red Sox jersey in there because he’s a Red Sox fan and hoped to put a hex on the Yankees.  The Yankees spent 50 grand in Sunday overtime construction wages to extract said jersey.  To top it off, the Steinbrenner family has made grandiose noise about wanting the construction worker thrown in the pokey.  My God, is this really what it’s come to, folks?  Throwing people in jail over an entombed baseball jersey?  Why don’t we go all Old Testament on his ass and chop his hands off while we’re at it?

April is Autism Awareness month, and as a sports fan with Asperger’s Sydrome, a form of autism, I would like to encourage all of you to visit the Athletes Against Autism website at www.athletesagainstautism.org if you have a moment.  Olaf Kolzig, goaltender for the NHL’s Washington Capitals, started this charity after his son was diagnosed as autistic. I have to admit I really always disliked Kolzig until I heard about this, mostly because I got tired of watching him stick it to my Rangers through the years.  But after hearing about his efforts to improve awareness of this illness which has affected my life so deeply, I find myself rooting very enthusiastically for the guy.  He doesn’t seem to be one of those celebrities who sticks his name on a foundation for tax purposes and then almost completely removes himself from it.  Having an autistic child, he has an intense personal interest in the cause, and it shows.  Big props to him and all the other athletes who have helped him raise awareness and funds for treatment and research.

Have you ever noticed how old men make disgusting throat clearing noises several times a day?  At Lodge, it sounds like a phlegm chorus.  My grandfather does it too.  Man, does he ever.  He can hold that snot-hocking note for a full five seconds.  And after they finish a meal, old guys always seem to make this disgusting sucking noise every few minutes.  Like they’re trying to see if there’s any stray pieces of country fried steak to enjoy.  It seems like human beings are noisiest in the earliest and latest years of their lives, doesn’t it?  But at least babies don’t know when they sound disgusting, you’d think that an eighty year old dude would.

I’m sure the elderly appreciate my support. 

 

 

 

 

 

Tags: new york yankees, new york rangers, red bull, i hate espn, autism, athletic trainer, physical therapist, alex rodriguez, mike golic, washington capitals, olaf kolzig, vanderbilt, chien-ming wang, derek jeter, buster olney, prince of new york, new jersey devils, yankee stadium, athletes against autism, gun control, trannies, shims, Boston Red Sox, Steinbrenner